It was Chinese New Year, and my family was at my grandmother’s place in Sugai Siput about to have a steamboat reunion dinner. All the mothers were busy preparing the ingredients for the steamboat… All the mothers, except one. My mother was watching television with my father, along with all the other fathers. The house was filled with hearty conversations, and no one mentioned anything about this odd scenario.
However, I felt discomfited that my mother may be giving a bad impression by not helping out in the food preparation with all the other mothers. In fact, I felt ashamed, afraid that my relatives may view my mother as arrogant as she seemed nonchalant about her actions (or rather, her lack of action). So I went over to my mother and whispered my concerns to her.
“Oh, it’s O.K. All along, I have never helped out before, and they know I don’t do such things. I’m the only wife who doesn’t know how to help out in the kitchen!” My mother replied, with a slight hint of bemusement at herself.
***
This scenario highlights the different cultural norms with regards to the role of the mother in a family. My mother was a working mother; kitchen work was left to our domestic helpers. The other mothers were homemakers; kitchen work was typical as one of their “duties”. My relatives’ have a more traditional approach towards the function of a family, which is unlike that of Singapore where it is not uncommon to have mothers who don’t cook.
Based on what my mother said, I believe that there was a mutual understanding about the differences in culture. Being aware of such, there was also some sort of acceptance towards this difference which enabled everyone to have “hearty conversations” and communicate well with each other.
However, to give it further thought, my interpretation is based on only what I see on the surface and hear from my mother. There might be a possibility that my aunts may be baffled by my mother’s lack of involvement in food preparation each time. Can it be just be because my relatives consider being modest is more polite than expressing one’s opinion, and thus did not bring up their concerns?
Hi Noelle, interesting post you have there. Hope you do not mind that I am commenting early because I have a very busy week ahead.
ReplyDeleteOther than the different cultural background that Singaporean mothers do not enter the kitchen that often, I guess the other mothers are used to your mother not helping out in the kitchen.
Also, 'professional' homemakers do not like others entering the kitchen unless they are as 'professional' as they are. Occasionally, I will take the initiative to help my mum out in the kitchen. But she will usually shoo me away and say I will create trouble. Thus, I think your relative mothers might feel that way too.
Thank you for your post.
Chris
@Chris, though I agree that most mothers who cook in the kitchen do not like people to disturb them while they are cooking or preparing food but there are some who likes people to just ask (though they don’t need them). “Do you need my help?”, “Can I help?”
ReplyDelete@ Noelle, yea, we do not really know what others might or are thinking but sure there is a distinctive difference of mothers and their roles in the two countries. Are your mom and those relatives very close? If they are, then I guess it shouldn’t be a problem or if it’s only a 1 year once visit, they won’t really mind if your mom helps out.
hello Noelle,
ReplyDeleteyour post is really interesting, since I have never thought of such scenarios this way.
Maybe your aunts do not really bring up the fact that your mum does not help in preparation since housewives are 'to be seen and not heard'? This is especially true in traditional families where women are suppose to only be handling kitchen and housework, so they might not have the right to voice their opinion?
But your mum grew up in a different environment and culture, so it is alright if your mum does not help out as it is not a usual practice for her to do so. If it was not alright in the first place, maybe your uncles would have raised the issue up already.
Of course, in the case of your mum, maybe she can occasionally ask whether the kitchen needs help? There is no harm in that after all.
huixin.
Thanks, Noelle, for this highly detailed description of your experience during the dinner and the insightful interpretation. I especially like the way you reflect on your mom's place vis-a-vis that of the other mothers.
ReplyDeleteI've often wondered how life in Singapore has shaped (and reshaped) members of Singaporean society who have migrated in from Malaysia. Your father's apparent acceptance of your Singaporean mom's behavior is a good indicator, I suppose. (But I wonder if that was always the case in their marriage.)
In any case, this is a fascinating bit of story-telling. Much appreciated!
Hi Noelle.
ReplyDeleteI like how you were sensitive to the difference/s in cultural norms, yet were unabashed to highlight your discomfiture to your mother. That your dared to clarify your observations and interpretations showcases a certain maturity, and a good handle of what healthy communication entails.
Personally, I think it's wonderful that you mum felt comfortable to be herself. If your aunties have any issue with your mother's non-involvement, perhaps they could communicate their feelings likewise eh? Sometimes, I feel, politeness (in certain social context) just gets in the way of understanding..
Thanks for this post - it is really clear (as in I could follow your train of thought) and like Brad said, a good reflection of an incident which you had some time to mull over.
Dave.
Hey Noelle,
ReplyDeleteIf this ever happens in my family, you'll probably see lotsa 'black faces'. My aunts (dad's side) are very particular about feeding the men well and cleaning up after them (although I always end up doing the cleaning myself). My aunts who are great cooks can spend the whole day preparing for dinner! If we (my mum and I) are found watching TV or doing nothing, we'll probably end up getting silent treatment. On the other hand, I have witnessed in my friend's family, where his dad and uncles would automatically clear the table, wash the dishes, cut the fruits and mop the floor themselves after each meal. They obviously believe that women should be treated equally too. All the two instances happen in Malaysian Chinese households.